The most wonderful time of the year

So it’s almost Halloween, the most awesome time of year, my favorite (better than Christmas), but then again, I’m a horror writer, so I guess that’s to be expected. I’ll be the invisible man, by the way.

Not a bad resemblence

Today, tonight, whatever, I’ll be writing about horror movies, and more specifically, the ones from overdone franchises that happened to have a slam-dunk or two, but then failed miserably and completely with the rest. In particular, I’m going to mention what I like to call the big three in terms of slasher films.

 SO….. Let’s start with the most overdone and oversequeled horror movie ever:

Jason Voorhees

Jason. The infamous hockey mask killer. The mass murderer who can’t die. Jason Motherfucking Voorhees (not quite sure if that’s his actual middle name). He’s drowned (part 1), been chopped with a machete (part 2), had a head split with an axe (part 3)… still alive somehow after all this. He died finally in part 4

Part 5 doesn’t count because it wasn’t Jason (sorry, thirty-year-old spoiler). He came back in part 6 Frankenstein-style even though he was decaying and being eaten by maggots, only to die again by drowning once more. Part 7, he… was drowned again by a psychic teenager’s zombie dad (probably the worst in the series). Next he became a supernatural killing machine…

who got melted by toxic sludge. He was blown up after an very unnecessary and almost out of place nude scene within minutes of the intro (part 9), only to be dragged to hell. He fought Freddy… and won (?), then went to space and got blown up again (part… X?)

So why the fuck do they keep making these movies? Then a remake (sucked) and now another 2017 remake? Here’s a time saver to anybody who wants to watch Jason in action but doesn’t want to waste time figuring out the good one.

Part 2. The first of the series with Jason, and should have been the only one. No hockey mask. No cheesy resurrections, just a creepy demented mentally disabled man killing people. It gives a good explanation for why Jason is the way he is, seems more realistic than any of the others, and it works great for a 1980’s horror movie. First time I saw it, I thought it actually was a little scary, and I was 18 when I watched it.

Michael Myers

Ok, so part one was a classic. Part 2, basically the continuation of 1, (don’t even get me started on part 3)

But the one that stood out, the one that gets no credit as being awesome, although it has the absolute best ending, is part 4 - The Return of Michael Myers.

Parts 5 and 6 destroyed what was good in part 4, part H2O did nothing but bring back Jamie Lee and ignore that last four movies. Part 8 was bullshit with Busta Rymes.

Yeah, can't take this movie seriously

Spoilers ahead. Part 4 begins with you learning that Michael Myers never died in part 2 (Yes, he got shot in both eyes in part 2. Yes, he caught on fire then in a huge explosion at the end, and there’s no way he survived that. I’m not talking about part 2. I’m talking about part 4. Shut up.) Laurie Strode from parts one, two and seven (and stupid fucking part 8), died in a car crash and left her daughter behind. Michael comes after her, goes on a killing spree, same shit different day. But the ending, the crazy fucking ending caught me off guard. The sweet little girl (all grown up and hot now), lost her shit, put on a mask, and killed her mom with a knife. It’s just like the beginning of the original, where a sweet little boy goes nuts and stabs his sister to death. The girl is silent and holding a bloody knife, roll credits. Awesome fucking ending. Loved that part of the movie.

Freddy Krueger

"One, Two, Freddy's coming for you..."

Freddy. Everyone’s favorite bogeyman. Evil in life, worse in death. The dream killer. One of the greatest horror movies ever. The one that got Wes Craven on the map… and then they made the sequels. Dream Warriors, Dream Master, Dream Child… don’t even get me started on fucking Freddy’s Dead, where he video game’s you to death.

 They got it right in part one. Tina’s death scene, one of the scariest kill scenes ever.

If you can’t do it right, don’t fuck with a good thing. Wes Craven was out, but finally came back and made New Nightmare, proving that he’s the only one who should be making Freddy movies. Although he didn’t use too much creativity since he basically rehashed the famous death scene once again.

Is this the only true scare Freddy has up his sleeve, doing the whole floating, death on the ceiling thing? If so great. It worked. It was scary. It was awesome… once. If that’s all Freddy has, he made a great scary movie. But don’t keep shitting out turds so we keep hoping something good  comes out. Nightmare on Elm Street could have gone down as one of the single greatest horror films ever made. Instead it turned into another Friday the 13th… And don’t even get me started on stupid-ass Freddy vs. Jason, a movie based on a joke scene at the end of Jason Goes to Hell because New Line Cinema took over rights to Jason from Paramount, so now they owned two horror franchises.

What I’m now going to call “Freddys moral” is this: of you only got one good movie in you, then KEEP IT TO ONE DAMN MOVIE. I'm talking to you Saw. I'm talking to you Children of the Corn. I'm talking to you Paranormal Activity, The Omen, Psycho, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and so on.

Of course, there’s plenty of other films I could have gone on about. Plenty of horrible sequels like when Chucky joined the army or Matthew McConaughey joined the Leatherface family, but I’ve written enough for now. Be sure to check out the latest book with my story in it here, and look for Witches, Warlocks, Demon’s, and other Evil Doers coming soon with my story "Broomstick and a Pointed Hat". If you haven't liked my Facebook page, do it, please. And check out my website for more that I've written or go read last year's Fear the Pumpkins stories. For now, have a Happy Halloween.